Not so sure about "Happy Holidays"

This year I am definately a Scrooge. Minus the money of course. I used to love Christmas. All the lights, getting together with family, giving presents...This year, not so much. I bought my ticket present for my niece and I bought my mom a present because I would feel horrible if this was her last Christmas with us and I didn't get her anything.

I used to be an optimist, and have become a pessimist. 2011 is supposed to be an exciting year, I graduate from college and quite possible will go on to get my masters. All I see in the future is pain and heartache. I am completely miserable.

I am happy the holidays are over, all the obligatory "partying" is done for another year. New Years is nothing here at home. My mom and I usually go to bed early since everyone else has plans. Its just another normal night here. I actually work the entire day, from about 8:30 in the morning till about 9:30 or 10 at night anyway, so going to bed early will be nice. Then its the weekend where I will pack to head back to my apartment on sunday, and school starts again on the 3rd.

I am angry, sad, disapointed and anything else that falls into that category. Everything but happy. I try to fake it for moms sake, but I think she's catching on already. Yesturday on our way to my brothers she told me I should have a good time, not think of anything else, and today on our way to my aunt and uncles she asked me if  I was happy. Of course I told her I was, but I lied. How can I be happy when this could very easily be the last Christmas with her? How can I be happy when I know she has cancer in her body she will never get rid of? How can I be happy when all this news comes to us on the eve of the anniversary of my fathers death? How can I be happy when I am the only one this even remotely bothers? My brothers act as though nothing is wrong, as does my mom. Maybe I am just being paranoid, I don't know. But I like to be real too. I can't pretend mom isn't sick like everyone else does. I just can't.

Sorry to anyone who reads this, but at least you know now that if I am not my normal chatty, friendly, happy self when you see me, this is why.

 All I have to say about this Christmas season is Bah Humbug!!