Not so sure about "Happy Holidays"

This year I am definately a Scrooge. Minus the money of course. I used to love Christmas. All the lights, getting together with family, giving presents...This year, not so much. I bought my ticket present for my niece and I bought my mom a present because I would feel horrible if this was her last Christmas with us and I didn't get her anything.

I used to be an optimist, and have become a pessimist. 2011 is supposed to be an exciting year, I graduate from college and quite possible will go on to get my masters. All I see in the future is pain and heartache. I am completely miserable.

I am happy the holidays are over, all the obligatory "partying" is done for another year. New Years is nothing here at home. My mom and I usually go to bed early since everyone else has plans. Its just another normal night here. I actually work the entire day, from about 8:30 in the morning till about 9:30 or 10 at night anyway, so going to bed early will be nice. Then its the weekend where I will pack to head back to my apartment on sunday, and school starts again on the 3rd.

I am angry, sad, disapointed and anything else that falls into that category. Everything but happy. I try to fake it for moms sake, but I think she's catching on already. Yesturday on our way to my brothers she told me I should have a good time, not think of anything else, and today on our way to my aunt and uncles she asked me if  I was happy. Of course I told her I was, but I lied. How can I be happy when this could very easily be the last Christmas with her? How can I be happy when I know she has cancer in her body she will never get rid of? How can I be happy when all this news comes to us on the eve of the anniversary of my fathers death? How can I be happy when I am the only one this even remotely bothers? My brothers act as though nothing is wrong, as does my mom. Maybe I am just being paranoid, I don't know. But I like to be real too. I can't pretend mom isn't sick like everyone else does. I just can't.

Sorry to anyone who reads this, but at least you know now that if I am not my normal chatty, friendly, happy self when you see me, this is why.

 All I have to say about this Christmas season is Bah Humbug!!

The end of the 30 day challenge

Last week was exams, therefore I did not end up blogging my 30 day challenge for the past 4 days. And since it's 1 am, technically it is already the 5th day which would bring me to the end of the challenge. So I am just going to do all five posts right now.

Day 26: A picture of something that means a lot to you

commuter family

biological family

My Family and Friends are what mean the most to me...

Day 27: A Picture of yourself and a family member





Me and my oldest brother Sheldon on our family hayride at Thanksgiving.



Day 28: A Picture of something your afraid of
I don't have a picture for this one, as I don't want one really. But right now the thing I am most afraid of is losing my mom to cancer. The wound is still far to fresh with my dad, and I don't think I could handle losing her too. So keep praying the cancer will leave her body.

Day 29: A picture that can always make you smile

the best friend I ever had, my sweet Alex. I miss him:-(


Day 30: A Picture of someone you miss

Well, sadly I thought I had a picture for this, but apparantly I don't know where it scanned to on my computer. But at any rate, this was a no brainer to me, I miss my Dad. ALOT!!! Especially at this time of year. Today (technically yesturday, the 19th) it was 7 years ago that we saw the first real sign things were going bad and fast for my dad, 5 days later he passed away...enough said for now, as I have a hard time talking about it right now, even on the computer and frankly I don't want to cry myself to sleep tonight.

Well, that was an interesting 30 days. I didn't think I would actually make it. I may have had to bunch some posts together, but needless to say I got it done. I actually learned some things about myself through this, namely I don't have near enough pictures to describe my life through a blog post :-P. At any rate, I hope you enjoyed reading it. See ya soon.

Really? I mean, Seriously?

Can I say I am just a bit excited that this long and arduous semester has almost come to an end? I thought this time would never come. It's been tough, but I am officially (almost) done my last 'first semester' of college. It sure does not feel like 2 and a half years have passed. 4 years ago, if someone would have told me that I would be graduating from college in 2011 I would have laughed in their face. I probably would have even peed my pants laughing, thats how much I would not have believed it. But in fact, here I am only 4 months away from a Bachelors Degree in Social Science. And with a periodic job search to see whats out there, I may not even go on to get my Masters just yet as there are jobs in Social Work that are in the area I want, and better yet, I don't need to have a BSW. Soooo, decision time is here. I will still apply to Seminary, but I will be looking for a real job too. Here's hoping I can find a job I want and just start making some money. Well, gotta go study for my last 2 exams. Wish me luck:-)

Day 25: A picture of your day

Thats right, exams today, and this is how I feel about it. One exam today, one tomorrow, and one on friday. Then I am officially done my last first semester of college. 4 more months and I graduate.

I had to add this picture in as well, cause this is totally me when I write exams...:-)

Day 24: A picture of something you wish you could change

Besides some of the obvious issues, like my appearance, the biggest thing I would like to change is the amount of student debt/all other debt I have. And mostly just the amount of money going into my account so that debt can disppear. But that picture about sums up how I feel about the money I owe the government for helping me go to school. Although I have to admit they have been pretty nice and have given my close to $10,000 in burseries towards my student loans, so I guess I can't complain too much.

Catch up time again...Days 19 - 23

Okay, so technically I am already 5 days behind on my 30 day challenge. It's been a pretty hectic couple of days I guess. Without facebook, I forget to go online sometimes. I love it. Also pretty happy that this is only a 30 day challenge and not a 365 day challenge, because we can see already I would not do good at that. So here are the last 5 days, starting with...

 Day 19: A picture and a letter
          
Dear friends,
I want to thank you all for being such an important part of my life. Each one of you will never know how much of an impact you have made on my life. Some of you may not even really know how much I look forward to seeing you and talking with you, and how that brightens my day when it happens. Please know that I pray for you and thank God for each one of you on a regular basis. I love you all.
Love always,  Momma T


Day 20: A picture of somewhere you would love to travel
Well I sort of think I did this one earlier, perhaps on Day 15, but I will add another to the list. The others were more like vacay places, this is a place I would like to go maybe on a missions trip one day, that is Tanzania...

I would like to work in a mission orphanage here, of course I found a beautiful picture to post, but alot of the country is not like this and is very poor.

Day 21: A picture of something you wish you could forget

Wow, this is a tough one. I don't know what I wish I could forget. Or at least the things I wish I could forget I don't have nor want to have pictures of. Why would I have pictures of something I want to forget? The thing that comes to mind of something I want to forget is a blind date I went on. Lets just say that maybe when I have my counselling psych degree I might be able to help him... the only time he talked to me was in the 5 minute car ride he gave me home, and I heard all about his depression issues and other such problems in his life. Something I don't want to remember...

Day 22: A picture of something you wish you were better at

Playing piano. I sooooo wish I could play, and play good.



Day 23: A picture of your favorite book

Sorry, its not just one, but rather a series of books. I love, love, love the Redemption Series by Karen Kingsbury which then spawned into the Firstborn Series followed by the Sunrise Series, followed by the Take One Series (not pictured) and a new series that I have not yet read and do not yet own. I recommend everyone to read them, they are awesome books, and not just for girls.

Day 18: A picture of your biggest insecurity

I hate this picture because it's not a very "flattering" pose. And there, my friends, is my biggest insecurity. My body. I hate how I look, my weight, everything.

Day 17: A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently

Well, as most of you know, in the past few months my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and we have gone on a crazy ride since. Everything I had planned for these past few months has changed completely because of this. So that has had the biggest impact lately, not a good impact neccessarily, but an impact none the less. Not to mention that we are slowly heading closer to the 7th anniversary of my fathers death. That making it even bumpier a ride right now.

PDA

Lately I have seriously been bothered by the amount of PDA (public displays of affection for those who don't know) going on everywhere. I work at the mall, and you would be surprised to see how many people (in Steinbach) stroll through the mall, stopping every 10 feet to kiss. Seriously, you are shopping, if you can not stay off each other for that long GO HOME!! I also feel this way about people who can't stop touching each other. Like they have to stay connected  the entire time they are in each others presence or else one of them may disappear. They are ALWAYS holding hands, almost sitting on each other (or sitting on each other) hanging off each other. If you truly like/love each other, one or the other won't run away.
Another pet peeve of mine is when groups of friends hang out and one couple will constantly be kissing, giggling and whispering like they're in their own world. Well they are, but unfortunately their friends can see them and have to put up with the awkwardness. My answer to this is, GET A HOTEL ROOM. Your friends don't want to see this, and if you still want to hang out with your friends you need to consider their feelings too.
I may be an old single lady who has dreamt of her dream man often. But I can say that if the only way I can have that man in my life is through extreme PDA, forget it, not happening. I think its totally fine if one of the pair is leaving and wants to give the other a peck on the lips goodnight, but leave it at that. And if its entirely necessary to do more then that, leave the room so not everyone has to witness.
One more pet peeve to leave here tonight and that is the constant referencing of "the boyfriend/girlfriend". You know what I mean, the emphasis on "my boyfriend says this" and "my girlfriend says that". Like I get it, you're in a relationship, now let it go. Also when everything that comes out of your mouth has to be about the person your dating in some way shape or form it tells me you are not seeing enough of the world. Just to add the single reference in here, think of your single friends who you constantly exclude, make feel bad or even sometimes a little envious when you constantly reference everything in life to your significant other. They get it, your dating someone, you like them, but do they have to constantly hear about it?
I have friends who fall into the PDA/pet peeve category and I have friends who are dating but you would barely know it. And to them I say, "good on ya, way to keep the intimate parts of your relationship to yourselves."
Thats my rant, sorry you had to hear it, but I needed to leave it somewhere.
My name is Theresa Reimer, and I approve this message.

Day 16: A Picture of someone who inspires me

Probably one of the people that has inspired me the most lately is someone I did a presentation on in my Social Problems and Change class, Craig Kielburger.

He is now 27, but at 12 years old he created the organization Free the Children because of an article he read in the newspaper about a 12 year old child murdered for his social activism towards bonded child labor. It's a super interesting story and very inspiring. Check out the link above and read all about it. You might be inspired too:-)

A few of my projects in the last couple weeks...

So I've been slowing down in homework, and speeding up in crocheting. I love to create things, so here are the projects I worked on in the past couple weeks.

 Here is everything together... touque and scarf set x 2 and a cup cozy...

 The cup cozy. My lovely friend Felicia found this pattern and wanted me to teach her how to make it. I needed to make it first so I knew what I was doing. Then my mom suggested the decorations. I think its cute...

 My favorite winter project, argyle toque and scarf set. The one's I've done in the past are very girly looking so this year I thought I would make boyish ones...so here is the dark green one with the tassel on top...

And the greyish/green set sans tassel. Not sure if I will put one on yet.

So if you want one, let me know, I love having projects to do...

Oops, falling behind again. Here's a two for one...

Day 14: A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without -

My Mom

Even after her mastectomy she still has her crazy sense of humour. Here she is trying to make her shirt "look" like she is well endowed and "perky" just a week after her surgery

Day 15: A picture of something you want to do before you die
Travel to...

Spain, and see the Spanish Steps along with all the other wonderful views

Italy and ride a gondola through Venice

see the absolute beauty of Greece.

Day 13: A picture of your favorite band or artist

Wow, there was a time when this would have been easy to answer for me, but now, not so much. I don't really have a favorite band. So, I thought I would entertain you with pics of my obsessions through my years of growing up.

First there was the Hard Rock obsession in my Jr. High years...



I thought I was gonna marry Joe Elliott one day (the tall one in the middle)



And of course the awesome hair band, Poison. Aren't they hot in all their bleach blondness??

Then somehow I moved from Rock bands to Boy bands...


Good ole' New Kids on the Block

A memory I am sure my family would like to forget. After the boy band faze I moved onto country music, and got to meet this fellow a couple of times...

Paul Brandt

Though I stayed in the country faze after that I also moved on to a new Boy band love...

Backstreet Boys

Thats right, I was, and still am somewhat, a BSB fanatic, thought Nick Carter was hot, even though he was like 5 years younger then me.
Now I have to say my current favorite would probably have to be the hottest Aussie in the world, right up there with Hugh Jackman...

Keith Urban

Yuuuuuummmmmmmm, and he is a dang good musician too. But it doesn't hurt that he is super easy on the eyes.

There you have it boys and girls, well probably just girls but whateves, I have aired my dirtly laundry on my past and present musical obesessions. You can laugh now...

Day 12: A picture of something you love

So apparantly this one has a unanimous vote from everyone that knows me...can you guess what it is?

Thats right, I am a Pepsi-a-holic. And recently I found out Coke is a supporter of sweatshops, so I thought this picture was quite fitting.

Day 11: Picture of something you hate

nuf said

Day 10: A picture of the person you do the most messed up things with

Well, unfortunately (or perhaps moreso fortunately) I can not choose just one person I do messed up things with. So here are the top 3...

This is my pal Shauna, as you can tell we are altogether too messed up. Here we are shopping in the States. Messed up things on our list of things done include skydiving (twice) crazy weekends shopping in the States and many more randomly weird things.

And of course, Tiff and Fe. Just the fact that they are my closest friends should say something:-) We are never normal when we are together, and usually always almost pee our pants out of laughter. Life would be soooooooooo dull without these two in my life. Thank You Jesus for these girls!!!!!!!!

Day 9: A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most

That would be my mom. She has been there my whole life (duh), she has helped me through all the hard times in my life like being there when I was diagnosed depression, loving me no matter what. Helping me deal with having to give up my dog and all the other difficult things in life. She's been my rock!!

Day 8: A Picture that makes you laugh

Tiffany tanning topless at Assiniboine Park. That was such a hilarious day, I love my girls:-) 

Oops!! Missed Day 7:Picture of my most treasured thing

Oh well, I'm not home over the weekends usually, and yesturday was a hectic day, so it's okay if I forgot to post day 7. But here it is, my most treasured thing ...

That's right, God's love is my most treasured thing. I could loose everything I own and be sad but still go on, but to loose God's love would be life ending.

Day 6: A picture of the person you would love to trade places with just for a day

I'd say thats easy, Yvonne Strahovski

aka Sarah Walker on Chuck.

Of course I would only want to do it for a day that they were filming Chuck and perhaps where there may be a kissing scene or six with Zac Levi. After that I would be fine;-)

Fill in the Blank Friday

1. Black Friday is straight up ridiculous!

2. Christmas shopping this year will include not a whole lot, since I have spent most of my "Christmas money" helping my mom out. So just the ticket present for Shayna.

3. Holiday shopping makes me anxious, uptight and grumpy. I generally don't try going into any mall or store in December. Except now that I work in one I have no choice. But I also will do my shopping at my store while I work:-)

4. This year my Christmas list will include - I don't really ever make a Christmas list, I don't care what I get, I don't expect anything from anyone. I love giving gifts, hate recieving them.

5. Bargain hunter, or full price shopper? Bargain hunter by far. I have a hard time justifying buying anything at full price. Maybe it's the Mennonite in me, or the fact that I had to claim bankrupcy at a young age. At any rate, I have become a severe bargain hunter.

6. The best and worst things about shopping is seeing all the wonderful stuff  available to buy, and the worst is seeing all the wonderful stuff I can't afford to buy.

7. Online shopper or in-person shopper? I would buy everything online if my credit card let me, except clothes, those I like to see in person. Unless the clothes are for someone other then me:-)

Day 5: A Picture of your favorite memory

  Gosh, this is a hard one. And needing to search for a picture of it is even harder. Especially when half my stuff is in Steinbach and the rest is here with me in Otterburne. So, since I can't find the picture I am looking for, I will settle with this memory, one of the top 3. And that is spending time with my dad in the last days/weeks of his life. One particular day it was just me and him hanging out together at home. We were watching music videos on CMT (one of our favorite past times). This song called "Holes in the floor of Heaven" by Steve Wariner came on, and I just started to cry. My dad sat there holding and rubbing my hand to comfort me. It was so special. For Fathers Day this year, the Christian author Karen Kingsbury had a contest where you could write in 200 words about your best "Daddy Day" so I wrote her the story of that day with my dad, and I won out over 100 entries. I got her childrens book "Let's have a Daddy Day". So for now, the picture I have is this one ...

Later when I find a better one of my Dad and me I will insert it here.

Day 4: A Picture of your Night

Well, unfortunately did not have a camera with me last night. But after my grandmothers funeral, a bunch of my cousins met at my cousin Curt's place. It was great catching up and hanging out. I also went home to my place after spending almost 3 weeks at my moms. Since it was Grandma's funeral yesturday, I will put the picture of a poem that my mom wrote which was used on her obituary card.

Day 3: Cast of my Favorite TV show

That would be Chuck!!! The best show on television right now. Watch it every monday night at 7 or at 10 on NBC. If you haven't seen it, I highly recomend it, I have the first 2 seasons if you wanna borrow them:-) And if you wanna get me something for Christmas I still need the 3rd season:-) Watch it, you will find what you've been missing in your life till now. LOL

Day 2: A Picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest

My Mom:-) She's my best friend and my mom. This picture was taken a few years ago when we were visiting my brother in Alberta

30 Day Challenge

My friend Joy posted this 30 day challenge on facebook and so I thought I would try it out here on my blog. Basically each day I will post a picture of myself associated to the corresponding purpose. Like for instance Day 1 is a picture of me and write 15 facts about myself, Day 2 is a pic of me with the person I have been closest to the longest...so on and so forth. If your interested in doing this with me, message me and I will send you the list, it should be interesting. So here goes...

DAY ONE: A Picture of Yourself with 15 facts

Fact #1: I love being the only girl in my family, and the baby
Fact #2: I am a closet Backstreet Boys fan (well not so closet-ish now)
Fact #3: I used to dream of being an actress till I was about 20
Fact #4: I have one tattoo, on my back, and want at least 2 more
Fact #5: I LOVE skydiving, but haven't gone for about 5 years and am scared to go again
Fact #6: IF I had the money I would get everyone everything they ever needed
Fact #7: I want to adopt lots of children
Fact #8: My mom is my best friend, and I don't know what I would ever do without her
Fact #9: Dream about finding the man of my dreams almost every day of my life (pathetic, I know)
Fact #10: I hate birthdays - wish I didn't have to celebrate them
Fact #11: Christmas is my favorite and worst holiday of the year, I love the feeling of peace and joy,I hate the feeling of missing my dad since he died on Dec. 24
Fact #12: I am reality show junkie, although not so much now that I am in school
Fact #13: My favorite movie is The Wedding Singer, and I love almost all Adam Sandler movies, crass or not
Fact #14: I love to draw, but never share my work with anyone cause it ain't good
Fact #15: I have the worst self confidence, and I never think I am good enough

Goodbye to my time consuming friend...

Well, the time has come, I have decided to go back to my roots and sign off for good on Facebook. What a crazy and addicting sight it is. Stupidly, the main people I talk to on there are ones I see almost everyday. Otherwise I just sign in, often more then once a day, to see what everyone is writing as their status.

Sad, isn't it? That our world, our friendships can so easily be narrowed down to a status update? I mean, soon our status updates are what they are going to put on our epitaphs, or maybe our epitaphs will just be our status updates and rather then having a funeral when you die, everyone can just sign onto facebook and have a virtual funeral. The same could go for any type of get-together really. Weddings, family gatherings, birthday parites. I mean why not, it seems thats where we all know each other from anyway. Or spend the most time hanging out with each other. So I have decided to put a stop to it in my life.

I want the people who are my friends to talk to me in person, I don't want to be added to a friend list just so I can make the number count go up. I currently have 74 friends in my friend list (a rather small amount in facebook standards) and still only talk to maybe 10-15 of those friends. I challange anyone who reads this (and well lets face it thats no one) to take a look at their friends list on facebook and see how many of those people they actually talk to, delete the ones you never do and never care to, and if you see that whats left is people you see on a regular basis then delete your facebook account. Lets begin to get personal again, face to face, not face to computer screen. Lets not let the virtual world take over our lives.

Anyway, I understand if people want to stay on facebook, its a great way to see what everyone is up to. I am certainly not going to judge those who enjoy facebook stalking. I personally just have had enough of that life, maybe its my age and the fact that I wasn't born in the digital era. But sometimes I think technology can go a little to far. Remember the movie Wall-E? Do we really wanna end up like all those lazy people? Cause that is certainly where we are headed in this techno/digital era. No more letting computers and websites do the work for me, I am going to do my darndest to become more "personal" with my friends because they are all worth it to me:-)

Found something out

So, as I am going through the set up on my blog, I realized something. Why am I so inane about how it looks? Everytime I sign in I fiddle with things, trying to make it look nice. I don't even have any followers. So who cares if it looks appealing or not, its just for my own pleasure anyway. I thought I had at least one, but I was wrong. Oh well.

In Loving Memory of my Grandmother, Violet Wall

Grandma's dream has finally come and she has gone to be with her Lord and Saviour on November 18, 2010.

Grandma has been sick for a long time and spent the last two years living at the hospital and in the end at the Menno Home in Grunthal. It was hard for her to leave her apartment but soon became quite used to her place at Bethesda.

Though this is the way Grandma spent her last years, that is not the memory I will take with me. I will remember the Grandma from my childhood. The Grandma who sang the silly song "Thats what we learn in the school, ya ya" (sung with a high german flair) and we loved it. The Grandma who let me have the spare bedroom with the double bed and made my brothers sleep on the floor in the living room.

The Grandma who used to give us a chocolate bar and card for every birthday and always, always called us on our birthdays especially when she could not be there. She remembered the birthday of everyone of her children, grandchildren, probably every great grandchild and her two great great grandsons. She had an amazing memory for that.

I will always cherish the memory of playing Win, Lose or Draw with Grandma when she painstakingly tried to draw "Russian Dressing" as a Russian Soldier actually dressing. We all laughed so hard I think we had to end the game.

I remember going to Grandma's with several of my girl cousins and wrapping Christmas presents all day for her, we ordered in pizza and had a blast. It was a special time.

I enjoyed spending time with Grandma when she was in the hospital, I tried to make it there as often as possible with my crazy school and work schedule. Of course there were bad days for her, who wouldn't have those when spending day and night for several years in the hospital, knowing your husband is still living at home in their apartment. And then later, when Henry passed away she was more lonely then ever.

I am so happy that I got to be a part of her last outing that did not involve a ambulance or handi-van, when mom and I took her on a car ride. To see the joy and excitement in her eyes when she realized that this was actually possible made it soooo worth it, taking her for ice cream and seeing the homes of all her children. I am only disappointed that we could not take her out to Applebee's for her favorite Oriental Chicken Salad. That would have been the icing on the cake.

It was hard on Grandma to have Grandpa and Henry go before her, not to mention her two grandchildren Harlyn and Gloria, and my dad, her son-in-law. She is finally at peace, no more suffering, no more body that does not work for her.

Grandma, I look forward to seeing you again. I am jealous of you, especially at this time of year when missing my dad seems to be at it's worst, as I am sure the same goes for the families of Harlyn and Gloria. I cannot wait to see you again in your new body, running through the fields in Heaven, hand in hand with your loved ones and most importantly with your Heavenly Father. I love you Grandma!

Wow...

Ok, so I just recently got into blogging, and more recently into reading blogs of people I don't know. One I am really enjoying so far is Single Dad Laughing http://www.danoah.com/. Today (well since it's midnight I guess it was yesturday, Nov.15)  Dan has written such a thought provoking post I just had to share it. You should definately follow the link and take gander at his post. It is long, but most definately worth the read. It is something everyone should read. Very inspiring. And after reading that, I ask, where do you find yourself in the big scheme of things? A good question, and one I don't know I have an answer for yet. Till next time...

Stress Relief or...

Well, here I am, almost one week since my moms double mastectomy. I thought that this week was going to be a hell week, but I have been pleasantly surprised. It has been tough, don't get me wrong, but I certainly don't feel the super tension and stress I've been going through in the past few weeks.

I feel like a big weight, stress wise, has been lifted off my shoulders. Even though this is not the end of the road in mom's cancer journey. But chemo and radiation don't scare me, we've been there before, I know what to expect. There is a new kind of stress or unrest that has been added. I now have to run for everything for my mom. She cannot cook for herself, she cannot bathe herself, do her own hair, put on her own socks, sometimes her own clothes or jacket. She cannot open her medication bottles, get a glass of water if the glass is still in the cupboard, make her own coffee or drive anywhere by herself. This is where I come in. It was certainly nice to not have to go to school and work for the first few days she was home from the hospital, but this past friday I had to be at school for 11:10, stay there till 3:20, come home and get ready to be at work for 5:15. So before I can go I need to make sure someone will be at the house with mom while I am gone, I need to get her dressed, fed and medicated before I can go anywhere. After that there needs to be someone here to fill in for me.

Don't get me wrong, I love taking care of my mom. As a matter of fact, I would sooner jump up to help her with whatever she needs rather then write a paper that is now over a week late. Here in lies my problem, I need to write this paper, but my mind doesn't want to focus. Here I sit, writting on my blog rather then writing the remaining 2 pages of my paper. This is more of a stress release, more "entertaining" and less of a mental block. I thought I would write here in order to get the creative juices flowing and hopefully finish the dreaded paper only to have to write another that was due on monday. So I am not sure if I am relieved or stressed now, I feel like I can sleep, all the time, perhaps catching up on the loss of sleep from previous weeks. Or is it because I subconsciously feel stressed from needing to get homework done. Who knows, this is the million dollar question. One I would like an answer to, and will likely not find till the end of the semester, unfortunately.

1. The most spontaneous thing I've ever done is probably going skydiving. While not a 100% spontaneous, I made the appointment only a week before going. I decided I wanted to and went. Not something I would take on so quickly usually.


2. The best gift I've ever received was the time I got to spend with my father before he passed and being there when the Lord took him home.

3. A time that I was truly and genuinely surprised was my 30th birthday when my family threw me a surprise birthday party. I was not expecting it at all when I walked into the garage at my house and all my friends and family were there, it was awesome.

4. I can't leave the house without my glasses. I can't think of anything else, oh and being dressed, I'm not a nudist. Otherwise things like my cell phone, makeup, and even combing my hair (cause I seldom actually comb it) seem rather easy to forget for me. Well, I guess my hair has to be neat looking.

5. My favorite day of the week is payday because thats a day when I get to do a little something for myself, and then I pay bills and its all gone and I stress again at the lack of money in my account. Thank goodness I get paid every week.

6. Something that can always make me laugh is my friends. And watching Zoolander or Kungpow, funniest movies ever.

7. My perfect day would include sleeping in just long enough that my body feels rested and doesn't hurt, go out for a delicious breakfast/brunch with my mom, perhaps some shopping (where money isn't an issue), get together with my friends for dinner and a movie, or something fun like bowling, rockband or games of some sort.

Rant

Okay, so here's the thing, as I've mentioned in my earlier posts my mom has breast cancer, on monday she is having a double mastectomy as a way of saving her life. This weekend I was thinking about this, and how hard this was going to be for her. She really has no choice but to lop them off. Then I got angry, angry at all those girls who go against the word of God and think that its okay to be a lesbian, or to think that they are men trapped in womens bodies. (And vice versa really, but for the sake of this rant I will stick to women.) To have sex changes, and more importantly have surgeries to make themselves "look" like a man. Here my mom is doing this to save her life, a choice not really of her own will and someone else can casually say take them off, I want to look like a man. This pisses me off. I mean seriously angers me. Who do these people think they are? Why do you think you were born the way you were? Do you think that God messed up and accidentally put male hormones into a female body? If so, why are you taking hormone pills to grow facial hair? And even more so, if you don't even believe in God, how the heck can you even try to explain the reason for why you are the way you are? I mean really, there is no valid excuse for this, none!!! Evolution theory would have you evolve from an organism, but what kind of organism would create a sex mixup? The big bang theory? What, all the sex cells were flying around and when the big bang happened yours were the ones that accidentally mutated together opposite cells? While some people make this decision based on their health and their lives, others make it out of pure ignorance. Thats sad. And thats my rant.

Scared Stiff

Tonight is day 3 of not being able to sleep. You would think that I would do homework or something, but no, my brain doesn't want to function on that. Instead I find meaningless things to do to fill the time till my eyes finally decide they should fall shut for a few hours. And when, finally that happens, then I have a very restless sleep and wake up almost more tired then when I fell asleep.

Today I find real purpose to why I can't sleep. I am worried about mom. She will be most certainly having her double mastectomy within 6 weeks, and more likely within 4 weeks or sooner. She told me today that she figures her tumor has doubled in size in the last couple of weeks. Add that to the pain she is having in her breast and her back and you've a got a very freaked out daughter. I am not very optimistic when it comes to cancer, we've covered that before, and for some reason I am having a very difficult time just casting my cares and worries on God.

Mom is panicking, she doesn't show it a lot, but I know that from what I see it is likely 10 times worse behind closed doors. She is feeling like my brothers aren't caring much about this situation either, since they never call to see how she is doing. It is getting more and more stressful for me to be here, and at school and doing my volunteering on the side. Not to mention the 2 jobs I have in order to support myself and try to help out mom where I can. I try to appear strong, and together for her so that she won't worry about me, I have great practice in that after dealing with years of untreated depression. I also try not to let it show while I am at school since I don't think my friends need to see me in the state I truly feel. (Although I have dropped the facade a time or two.)

This brings me back to my lack of sleep. I lie in bed, thinking of every possible scenario that could come out of this event, and that doesn't help. Add to that the thoughts of the homework that I should be doing while I am "not sleeping" and you have a complete wreck on your hands. So here I sit at 1:15 am writing to cyber space about how I feel. Funny how I write this to a world of complete strangers and when I was a kid, I would make sure to lock my diary with that crappy little lock and key that came with it, making sure to keep any prying eyes out. Funny how, when we don't have "followers" on our blogs we pout because we want people to read this stuff. Yet we would do everything in our power to hide any meaningless thing we wrote in those silly paper covered diaries.

Things that make me smile:-)

The everyday reminder of God's amazing artistic talents and attention to detail in everything

The refreshing sound of a nice cold can of Pepsi being opened, aahhh

My Mom, cause she's the most strong, beautiful, best friend anyone could ask for

Monday Nights, cause Chuck's on :-)

Saint Bernard Dogs, cause they really are this gentle

My family, oh how I love hayrides

My friends, especially when they tan topless at the park