Tonight is day 3 of not being able to sleep. You would think that I would do homework or something, but no, my brain doesn't want to function on that. Instead I find meaningless things to do to fill the time till my eyes finally decide they should fall shut for a few hours. And when, finally that happens, then I have a very restless sleep and wake up almost more tired then when I fell asleep.
Today I find real purpose to why I can't sleep. I am worried about mom. She will be most certainly having her double mastectomy within 6 weeks, and more likely within 4 weeks or sooner. She told me today that she figures her tumor has doubled in size in the last couple of weeks. Add that to the pain she is having in her breast and her back and you've a got a very freaked out daughter. I am not very optimistic when it comes to cancer, we've covered that before, and for some reason I am having a very difficult time just casting my cares and worries on God.
Mom is panicking, she doesn't show it a lot, but I know that from what I see it is likely 10 times worse behind closed doors. She is feeling like my brothers aren't caring much about this situation either, since they never call to see how she is doing. It is getting more and more stressful for me to be here, and at school and doing my volunteering on the side. Not to mention the 2 jobs I have in order to support myself and try to help out mom where I can. I try to appear strong, and together for her so that she won't worry about me, I have great practice in that after dealing with years of untreated depression. I also try not to let it show while I am at school since I don't think my friends need to see me in the state I truly feel. (Although I have dropped the facade a time or two.)
This brings me back to my lack of sleep. I lie in bed, thinking of every possible scenario that could come out of this event, and that doesn't help. Add to that the thoughts of the homework that I should be doing while I am "not sleeping" and you have a complete wreck on your hands. So here I sit at 1:15 am writing to cyber space about how I feel. Funny how I write this to a world of complete strangers and when I was a kid, I would make sure to lock my diary with that crappy little lock and key that came with it, making sure to keep any prying eyes out. Funny how, when we don't have "followers" on our blogs we pout because we want people to read this stuff. Yet we would do everything in our power to hide any meaningless thing we wrote in those silly paper covered diaries.
No comments:
Post a Comment