In Loving Memory of my Grandmother, Violet Wall

Grandma's dream has finally come and she has gone to be with her Lord and Saviour on November 18, 2010.

Grandma has been sick for a long time and spent the last two years living at the hospital and in the end at the Menno Home in Grunthal. It was hard for her to leave her apartment but soon became quite used to her place at Bethesda.

Though this is the way Grandma spent her last years, that is not the memory I will take with me. I will remember the Grandma from my childhood. The Grandma who sang the silly song "Thats what we learn in the school, ya ya" (sung with a high german flair) and we loved it. The Grandma who let me have the spare bedroom with the double bed and made my brothers sleep on the floor in the living room.

The Grandma who used to give us a chocolate bar and card for every birthday and always, always called us on our birthdays especially when she could not be there. She remembered the birthday of everyone of her children, grandchildren, probably every great grandchild and her two great great grandsons. She had an amazing memory for that.

I will always cherish the memory of playing Win, Lose or Draw with Grandma when she painstakingly tried to draw "Russian Dressing" as a Russian Soldier actually dressing. We all laughed so hard I think we had to end the game.

I remember going to Grandma's with several of my girl cousins and wrapping Christmas presents all day for her, we ordered in pizza and had a blast. It was a special time.

I enjoyed spending time with Grandma when she was in the hospital, I tried to make it there as often as possible with my crazy school and work schedule. Of course there were bad days for her, who wouldn't have those when spending day and night for several years in the hospital, knowing your husband is still living at home in their apartment. And then later, when Henry passed away she was more lonely then ever.

I am so happy that I got to be a part of her last outing that did not involve a ambulance or handi-van, when mom and I took her on a car ride. To see the joy and excitement in her eyes when she realized that this was actually possible made it soooo worth it, taking her for ice cream and seeing the homes of all her children. I am only disappointed that we could not take her out to Applebee's for her favorite Oriental Chicken Salad. That would have been the icing on the cake.

It was hard on Grandma to have Grandpa and Henry go before her, not to mention her two grandchildren Harlyn and Gloria, and my dad, her son-in-law. She is finally at peace, no more suffering, no more body that does not work for her.

Grandma, I look forward to seeing you again. I am jealous of you, especially at this time of year when missing my dad seems to be at it's worst, as I am sure the same goes for the families of Harlyn and Gloria. I cannot wait to see you again in your new body, running through the fields in Heaven, hand in hand with your loved ones and most importantly with your Heavenly Father. I love you Grandma!

Wow...

Ok, so I just recently got into blogging, and more recently into reading blogs of people I don't know. One I am really enjoying so far is Single Dad Laughing http://www.danoah.com/. Today (well since it's midnight I guess it was yesturday, Nov.15)  Dan has written such a thought provoking post I just had to share it. You should definately follow the link and take gander at his post. It is long, but most definately worth the read. It is something everyone should read. Very inspiring. And after reading that, I ask, where do you find yourself in the big scheme of things? A good question, and one I don't know I have an answer for yet. Till next time...

Stress Relief or...

Well, here I am, almost one week since my moms double mastectomy. I thought that this week was going to be a hell week, but I have been pleasantly surprised. It has been tough, don't get me wrong, but I certainly don't feel the super tension and stress I've been going through in the past few weeks.

I feel like a big weight, stress wise, has been lifted off my shoulders. Even though this is not the end of the road in mom's cancer journey. But chemo and radiation don't scare me, we've been there before, I know what to expect. There is a new kind of stress or unrest that has been added. I now have to run for everything for my mom. She cannot cook for herself, she cannot bathe herself, do her own hair, put on her own socks, sometimes her own clothes or jacket. She cannot open her medication bottles, get a glass of water if the glass is still in the cupboard, make her own coffee or drive anywhere by herself. This is where I come in. It was certainly nice to not have to go to school and work for the first few days she was home from the hospital, but this past friday I had to be at school for 11:10, stay there till 3:20, come home and get ready to be at work for 5:15. So before I can go I need to make sure someone will be at the house with mom while I am gone, I need to get her dressed, fed and medicated before I can go anywhere. After that there needs to be someone here to fill in for me.

Don't get me wrong, I love taking care of my mom. As a matter of fact, I would sooner jump up to help her with whatever she needs rather then write a paper that is now over a week late. Here in lies my problem, I need to write this paper, but my mind doesn't want to focus. Here I sit, writting on my blog rather then writing the remaining 2 pages of my paper. This is more of a stress release, more "entertaining" and less of a mental block. I thought I would write here in order to get the creative juices flowing and hopefully finish the dreaded paper only to have to write another that was due on monday. So I am not sure if I am relieved or stressed now, I feel like I can sleep, all the time, perhaps catching up on the loss of sleep from previous weeks. Or is it because I subconsciously feel stressed from needing to get homework done. Who knows, this is the million dollar question. One I would like an answer to, and will likely not find till the end of the semester, unfortunately.

1. The most spontaneous thing I've ever done is probably going skydiving. While not a 100% spontaneous, I made the appointment only a week before going. I decided I wanted to and went. Not something I would take on so quickly usually.


2. The best gift I've ever received was the time I got to spend with my father before he passed and being there when the Lord took him home.

3. A time that I was truly and genuinely surprised was my 30th birthday when my family threw me a surprise birthday party. I was not expecting it at all when I walked into the garage at my house and all my friends and family were there, it was awesome.

4. I can't leave the house without my glasses. I can't think of anything else, oh and being dressed, I'm not a nudist. Otherwise things like my cell phone, makeup, and even combing my hair (cause I seldom actually comb it) seem rather easy to forget for me. Well, I guess my hair has to be neat looking.

5. My favorite day of the week is payday because thats a day when I get to do a little something for myself, and then I pay bills and its all gone and I stress again at the lack of money in my account. Thank goodness I get paid every week.

6. Something that can always make me laugh is my friends. And watching Zoolander or Kungpow, funniest movies ever.

7. My perfect day would include sleeping in just long enough that my body feels rested and doesn't hurt, go out for a delicious breakfast/brunch with my mom, perhaps some shopping (where money isn't an issue), get together with my friends for dinner and a movie, or something fun like bowling, rockband or games of some sort.

Rant

Okay, so here's the thing, as I've mentioned in my earlier posts my mom has breast cancer, on monday she is having a double mastectomy as a way of saving her life. This weekend I was thinking about this, and how hard this was going to be for her. She really has no choice but to lop them off. Then I got angry, angry at all those girls who go against the word of God and think that its okay to be a lesbian, or to think that they are men trapped in womens bodies. (And vice versa really, but for the sake of this rant I will stick to women.) To have sex changes, and more importantly have surgeries to make themselves "look" like a man. Here my mom is doing this to save her life, a choice not really of her own will and someone else can casually say take them off, I want to look like a man. This pisses me off. I mean seriously angers me. Who do these people think they are? Why do you think you were born the way you were? Do you think that God messed up and accidentally put male hormones into a female body? If so, why are you taking hormone pills to grow facial hair? And even more so, if you don't even believe in God, how the heck can you even try to explain the reason for why you are the way you are? I mean really, there is no valid excuse for this, none!!! Evolution theory would have you evolve from an organism, but what kind of organism would create a sex mixup? The big bang theory? What, all the sex cells were flying around and when the big bang happened yours were the ones that accidentally mutated together opposite cells? While some people make this decision based on their health and their lives, others make it out of pure ignorance. Thats sad. And thats my rant.

Scared Stiff

Tonight is day 3 of not being able to sleep. You would think that I would do homework or something, but no, my brain doesn't want to function on that. Instead I find meaningless things to do to fill the time till my eyes finally decide they should fall shut for a few hours. And when, finally that happens, then I have a very restless sleep and wake up almost more tired then when I fell asleep.

Today I find real purpose to why I can't sleep. I am worried about mom. She will be most certainly having her double mastectomy within 6 weeks, and more likely within 4 weeks or sooner. She told me today that she figures her tumor has doubled in size in the last couple of weeks. Add that to the pain she is having in her breast and her back and you've a got a very freaked out daughter. I am not very optimistic when it comes to cancer, we've covered that before, and for some reason I am having a very difficult time just casting my cares and worries on God.

Mom is panicking, she doesn't show it a lot, but I know that from what I see it is likely 10 times worse behind closed doors. She is feeling like my brothers aren't caring much about this situation either, since they never call to see how she is doing. It is getting more and more stressful for me to be here, and at school and doing my volunteering on the side. Not to mention the 2 jobs I have in order to support myself and try to help out mom where I can. I try to appear strong, and together for her so that she won't worry about me, I have great practice in that after dealing with years of untreated depression. I also try not to let it show while I am at school since I don't think my friends need to see me in the state I truly feel. (Although I have dropped the facade a time or two.)

This brings me back to my lack of sleep. I lie in bed, thinking of every possible scenario that could come out of this event, and that doesn't help. Add to that the thoughts of the homework that I should be doing while I am "not sleeping" and you have a complete wreck on your hands. So here I sit at 1:15 am writing to cyber space about how I feel. Funny how I write this to a world of complete strangers and when I was a kid, I would make sure to lock my diary with that crappy little lock and key that came with it, making sure to keep any prying eyes out. Funny how, when we don't have "followers" on our blogs we pout because we want people to read this stuff. Yet we would do everything in our power to hide any meaningless thing we wrote in those silly paper covered diaries.

Things that make me smile:-)

The everyday reminder of God's amazing artistic talents and attention to detail in everything

The refreshing sound of a nice cold can of Pepsi being opened, aahhh

My Mom, cause she's the most strong, beautiful, best friend anyone could ask for

Monday Nights, cause Chuck's on :-)

Saint Bernard Dogs, cause they really are this gentle

My family, oh how I love hayrides

My friends, especially when they tan topless at the park