Purpose...

Purpose is what gets us up in the morning. Purpose is what takes us through the day. Purpose is what has us drop wearily into bed at night to rejuvinate for another day filled with purpose.

I lack purpose right now.

Or at the very least I lack the understanding of what my purpose is right in this moment. For the past several months I had purpose, or so I thought. With that taken away now I am lost, no map, no knowledge of where I am and where I should be heading. Without God carrying me right now, I would be a mess. I have so many possibilities in the works, but no answers. As my friend Jordan and I were discussing the other day "being in limbo sucks."

In the past several weeks I have had my moments. Moments of pure bliss, happy to know that God is carrying me through and walking me away from what would have been a miserable life. I've had moments of complete and utter sadness. Sad because I just want it to be my turn. Sad because of my lack of purpose. Sad because I see things I would like that seem to be far from reach. Then there are moments of anger. Angry at being played for a fool. Angry at myself for letting my guard down and allowing it to happen, allowing myself to be vulnerable. Angry that I get sad. Is this normal?? I know that when tragic events happen people go through stages of healing. I'm not sure my situation is 'tragic', but is this healing?

I've learned some things about myself in the past several weeks also. I have learned that sometimes what I always thought I wanted is not all it's cracked up to be. At the same time, it can be better. (I'm holding out for the better.) I've learned that no matter what, people cannot change who God made me to be and I do not have to be someone I am not just to please others. Standing up for me is ok and actually feels good. It is okay to hold out for the better, and set your standards high. Someone will hopefully meet that standard and if not, God is always way higher then any standard you set and so He will always be there hanging on, and He should always be a part of your set standard.

So, though my frustration levels grow and wane through these weeks. Though my purpose seems lost at the moment I am holding tight to the only 'perfect man' there will ever be. Allowing Him to carry me over the threshold of love. Being the bride of Christ is the only bride I need to be. Living and giving my all for God is the only purpose I need. My friends are the angels along this path of unsureness who hold me up and clap and cheer while I run this track I am on right now. My purpose right now is one foot in front of the other...